Jasper Attempts To Give Nessie AND Alice The Sex Talk
by Fanfictionally
Summary: It comes up that neither Nessie OR Alice have had the dreaded talk. Jasper attempts to give it to them at the same time.
1. Chapter 1

**I was searching for good stories on fanfiction when this idea popped into my head. So here it is. Also, everyone is a vampire, werewolf, the usual. Nessie has been born, and is really 4, but looks like a 16-year-old. So, yeah... :)**

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**Alice's POV**

Jasper and I were in our room, studying. Not the fake studying couples do when they make out, really studying. We didn't really need to, but it was fun to pretend we did. Jasper was studying his history book, and was clearly in the Civil War section. Having actually been in it, he criticized all the history books where one little thing was incorrect. I always rolled my eyes at him as he muttered about 'incorrect imbasoles' and 'retarted assholes.' That was my hint that he was obsessed with doing that because that was the only time he ever swore in front of me. That and when we were engaged in... 'physically expressing our love...'

I heard Nessie scream, and ran upstairs to Edward's old room where Nessie now slept when she stayed over here. Edward was sitting on the bed with a worried expression as Nessie had her face buried in her pillows, looking like she was in extreme pain. "Edward, what happened?!" I asked, worried that he had lost control and bitten her or something.

"I... I was trying to give 'the talk' to Nessie." He sighed and put his head in his hands. "It failed."

I stepped further into the room, stopping at where Edward sat. I put my hand on his back. "I can see that, Eddy." He growled at what I called him. I rolled my eyes and turned to Nessie, sitting in front of her. "What's wrong?"

She pulled her head back up. "Dad is embarrassing me!" Typical teen behavior. "He keeps saying gross stuff, and... ew." She shuddered.

_I could try to talk to her._ I thought, knowing Edward was reading my mind. Jasper came upstairs, finally finishing his pointless rant. He was leaning against the door frame.

"Are you sure you'd know what to say? I mean, you've never had the sex talk, or at least you can't remember." I felt a wave of shock come over me.

"You've _never_ had 'the talk?'"

"Well, not that I can remember..." I responded.

Edward nodded, probably reading Jasper's mind. "Yeah, okay." He got up and gave me a look that said something like _sorry_. I was a bit confused, to say the least.

Edward shut the door behind it and Jasper locked it. I moved a bit to the other side of the room. "Watcha doin'?" I asked, a bit scared and confused about why he locked the door. You can't blame me, the subject was sex! Not that I was against it, just, not in front of Ness.

He ignored me, looking at Ness. "Well, since Alice clearly can't give you a talk on something she has no experience with-"

I cut him off. "I have plenty of experience with sex! You should know!" I heard Edward muffle a laugh from outside as he went to join the others while they hunted.

"No, I meant, the talk." He nervously sat on the side of the bed.

"Wait. You aren't going to give me the sex talk, are you?" I asked in disbelief.

"Um, yeah, I am."

"Oh my God." I buried my face in the blankets, like Nessie.

"Well," He began nervously. "When two people love each other... _a lot_... They may choose to get married. If they do, then they have something called a honeymoon. And, uh, that was when you were created." Nessie had pulled her head back up, looking at Jasper. It probably made her feel a lot better that my husband was giving _me_ the sex talk at the same time. She patted my head, showing that she felt sorry for me. I leaned against the wall that was less than an inch from the side of the bed, and glared at Jasper, showing him that it would take a while for me to forgive him. He pretended not to notice. That hurt, because he hardly ever ignored me. Apparently, he felt it, because he moved over to me and wrapped his arm around my waist.

He kissed my cheek before continuing. "Well, as you know, your mom and dad love each other a lot. And the most common and... enjoyable way to let the other know that they _really_ love them is a thing called...um, sex."

"What's that?" Nessie asked curiously.

Jasper smiled at me. "I can show you."

"Okay!" Nessie looked _enthused_!

"Jasper Whitlock Hale, you will _not_!" I yelled, not knowing my own strengh. I practically pushed him off the bed, but he caught himself before he fell over.

"Okay, sheesh." I rubbed his arm where I punched him.

"Sorry." I whispered, laughing on the inside.

"As I was saying, that's where, um..." He looked at me. "A little help?"

"Apparantly, I'm not experienced." I said bitterly. "Just keep it... Emmett."

"So, rated R?" I sighed and nodded. Payback.

"Er... Nah, I'll keep it PG13." I rolled my eyes.

_Scared much? _I thought.

"Well, as I was saying, the male has a sperm that makes the baby. If he doesn't have enough sperm, then the female can't have the baby." He paused for questions.

I raised my hand. Time to embarrass him. He nodded to me. "How does the sperm get in?" I asked innocently.

"Um, the... next question!"

"You'll have to explain it sometime."

"Just not yet. Anyways, if the female really wants a baby, she can go to a sperm bank. That's where another male donates sperm for the girl so that she can have the baby instead of adopt. Um, I guess I'll explain Alice's question." He shot me a hate-filled look. That one _really_ burned. He knew I was sensitive about those kinds of things. He tightened his arm around me, throwing out waves of forgivness. But with that body, how could anyone _not_ forgive him? "Um, well, they have a special night... or day... where it's most likely just them. They hint to each other that they want to have sex, wether it's through words or through actions. Alice?" He asked me silently to help him demonstrate.

"Fine."

"Okay, well, there's the classic with words. 'Baby, let's have sex.'" I rolled my eyes.

"Romantic." I said, my voice thick with sacasm.

"Well, maybe a bit more than that, but anyways, here's the action." He pulled me to him, kissing my. His tongue grazed my bottom lip and I opened my mouth. Our tongues battled, and I felt his hands move down to my lower back, and then up to the sides of my chest. I moaned softly and involuntarily against his mouth, and he laughed, pulling away. "Then they just get carried away. So, that's two ways they start having sex."

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**Random, right?! Something I came up with at midnight... I'll work on the next chapter. Yes, this might be a real story! Not long, but not a one-shot. Reviews, please! Also, for the next chapter, any ideas on funny/embarrassing questions Nessie or Alice could ask? Or something Jasper would say? Thanks!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Thanks for the reviews, already! This story is going to probably be only the talk, but it'll be a long talk. Reviews... are my drug. I might, might, ****_might, _****_might_****_, _****_MIGHT _****Get a laptop for Christmas. If I do, expect a lot more uploads. I don't like writing these when people are home, so I usually do it after school. Plus this is my family computer, and it's really slow. So, yeah. If I get a laptop -I'm also saving up for one- then I'll upload more. One more thing, my computer takes forever to load, so I can never get a lot done. Well, read on!**

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**Alice's POV**

Nessie giggled. "Wow, you guys are worse than Uncle Emmett and Aunt Rosalie!" I rolled my eyes.

"It's true." Jasper said, putting his arm tightly around my waist again. "Do you know why I call her my little monster?"

"Jasper, you better not..." He ignored me.

"Because she turns evil when we make love." His hands trailed down to my waist, playing with the rim of my skirt. He tried to seem innocent, but I could feel him pulling it down slowly. His hand rubbed my bare thigh as he slipped his hand into my skirt.

"Jasper," I tried to say, but it came out as more of a moan. "Stop." He completely ignored me. "Shouldn't the whole point in this be not to have sex till your older? It really doesn't seem like it."

Nessie had her hand over her open mouth. "Jasper, stop. Now!" He sighed.

"Okay, okay. Sheesh!" I rolled my eyes.

Nessie became uncomfortable. "Okay, so, next? I still don't get how the sperm gets in."

"Well, are you familiar with... parts?"

"Like, guy parts? Um, I know what they _are_..."

"Close enough. Um, they put their, um... _part_ into one of the girl's... holes... and, um, yeah..." He looked at me for confirmation. I nodded, a bit embarrassed. "And then they make out... and stuff..." I was lost in thought, and Jasper seemed to notice. "What?"

I snapped out of it. "I was just thinking... can a vampire get a hickey?"

"I don't know... maybe. But it'd be hard."

Nessie raised her hand. "I don't mean to interrupt, but you make sex sounds great..."

"It is!" Jasper said. I didn't want Edward to kill him, so I gave him a look. "When you're older... It's just too risky to be 16 and pregnant." Nessie sighed.

"Well, if it makes you feel any better, Jake is determined to wait until I'm at least six, so I'll be about 25."

My mouth went open. "How does he hold out that long? True, I've had my V-card for a while, but _25?_" I shook my head in disbelief.

Jasper studied my face. "You had to have had sex before you were a vampire. Who could resist?" I rolled my eyes.

"I doubt it." I hesitated, filling the air with awkwardness. "Well, keep talking."

"Right," Jasper agreed quickly. "Well, Nessie. What else would you like to know?"

"Does it hurt?" She asked.

"Yes," I answered, beating Jasper. I knew this was aimed towards girls. "Especially the first time."

"But-" Jasper tried to start, but I cut him off.

"It still hurts, even after hundreds of times. But the first... is terrible. I know you think sex is all fun and games, which it is, but there is also another thing involved. When the guy puts in the sperm, it stretches out the girl's parts."

Jasper looked guilty for something. "I'm sorry, I... I didn't know."

I rolled my eyes. "But, it isn't always bad pain. There _is _such thing as good pain. The first time is a bit odd, especially if it's when you lose your virginity, but it gets better." I could feel Jasper calm down a bit at my side.

Nessie seemed confused. "Then why don't Rose and Em have a baby?"

"Because, sweety. Vampires' bodies can't change. When a girl is pregnant, her stomach has to get bigger in order to carry the baby."

"Is that why you and Uncle Jasper don't have a baby?" she asked curiously.

"Well, I don't know. We've always been vampires while we knew each other, so we never considered it."

"Do you want one?" Nessie whispered quietly, afraid to ask.

"I... I don't know. Maybe, if I was able to change. But I wouldn't give up being a vampire for anything."

"Why?" Jasper asked, confused.

I didn't take my eyes off Nessie as I said "Because it's where I met the love of my life."

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**Cute at the end :) This one was a bit shorter, but I didn't want to totally stray off the subject. Like I said last time, I'm still open to doing more chapters, but I want to hear some of the questions you would like Alice and Nessie to ask Jasper. So, review, send ideas, whatever! Thanks for the people who have reviewed so far. Don't worry, more awesome ideas on the way! ;)**


	3. I'm Emmett and I Know It

**This has nothing to do with any of the stories besides the fact that it involves Twilight. I wrote this in school a while ago, and a lot of my friends liked it, so I decided to post what I had so far on here. It's a parody of LMFAO's "I'm Sexy and I Know It." This is not the whole song though. This has plenty of my friend's and my humor like the tutu and cheese. WE imagined him dancing to Swan Lake and Sugar Plum Fairy while eating cheese in a tutu... Lol, he was in the tutu, not the cheese!**

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So, without further to do, I now present 'I'm Emmett and I Know It!'

_Yeah, yeah  
When you walk on by  
You might, like, die  
All covered in red_

_Yeah  
This is what I eat,  
Grizzly bear all outa control.  
Sprint through the woods,  
smells like a dog._

_Yeah, Girl look at these biceps  
Yeah, Girl look at these biceps.  
Yeah, Girl look at these biceps  
I-I, I chase deer!_

_Yeah, Girl look at these biceps  
Yeah, Girl look at these biceps.  
Yeah, Girl look at these biceps  
I-I, I chase deer!_

_When I walk into the mansion  
This is what I see.  
A ballerina tutu and a stick of cheese.  
I got a squirrel in my hands  
And I ain't afraid to eat it, eat it, eat it.  
I'm Emmett and I know it!_

_Yeah,  
Emmett, Emmett, Emmett, Emmett, Emmett, yeah.  
Emmett, Emmett, Emmett, Emmett, Emmett, yeah.  
Emmett, Emmett, Emmett, Emmett, Emmett, yeah._

_Yeah,  
Call me Monkey Man._

_When I walk into the mansion,  
This is what I see.  
A ballerina tutu and a stick of cheese.  
I got a squirrel in my hands  
And I ain't afraid to eat it, eat it, eat it.  
I'm Emmett and I know it!_


End file.
